Writing This Post While In Panic (Ego and Anxiety)

Today I want to talk a little bit about the relationship between the ego and anxiety in a personal way. Ironically, I have had allot of anxiety these past few days, and I’m now processing and using my anti-anxiety tool kit to put everything back in perspective. As I write this I am in the anxiety cloud stage which I have talked about before. So here we go.

Notice how your mind is being used to visualize these things I’m asking you to visualize. Notice how the mind is simply a tool that the ego will try to hijack, but yet it’s a tool your true self uses as well. The difference is that your true self uses the mind correctly, while the ego uses your mind incorrectly.

When you FEEL you true self using your mind correctly, you will feel a sensation of witnessing. Your goal is to let “the witness” have ownership of your mind. The witness is actually the universal mind speaking through you. You will be finally conscious to reality, and not the falsehoods your ego has been perpetuating.

If you are thinking any scary thoughts, or fears, don’t you worry! This is just the frightened ego panicking. The ego is not your enemy though, O.K. – look upon your ego as nothing more than a frightened child that needs some direction. It’s never about killing your ego – it’s all about accepting and witnessing your ego, and taking it by the hand with love and kindness.

What we’re doing here is taking your ego by the hand and going for a walk. Explain to your ego that everything is going to be fine. Tell your ego things like, “Don’t worry – we’ll have lots of fun in the future, and I have not forgotten you.”

Tell your ego that you love him or her. Tell your ego that you are going to look after everything, and that it will never be alone. Then tell your ego that you are going to take control the reins for awhile, because it has been worrying much too much about the future, and feeling much to much guilt about the past.

Explain to your ego that it’s NOT going crazy in any way. Explain to your ego that it’s just a normal human trait to feel these emotions from time to time. Remember that all of this fear will pass. Remember that any time you are feeling frightened, it’s the ego in you that is trying to take the wheel for total control.

Gently, with a loving touch, ease your ego’s fingers off the steering wheel. Put a hand on your ego’s head and turn to look him or her in the eye. At this point of the thought process, imagine seeing your ego face to face. You may see a child which is very common. (this is what some in the recovery movement do to identify their “inner child” and forgive it with love. When recovery movements, therapies, or self-help literature speak of the inner child, they are actually describing of the ego)

All you want to do is loosen the grip your worried ego has and allow the true presence of yourself take over. When you have worry free days, and you feel happy, content, and not afraid, you are feeling positive about the future and present moment. You are not moved by guilt of the past, or remorse of the past either. You are not moved by guilt just because you thought badly of other people. When you have these great days, it’s your ego feeling satisfied with everything going on in your life currently, and your true self rejoices in the bliss of the moment because it’s always been there waiting patiently for your ego to understand that “everything is alright”.

Unfortunately, when your life situation is not ideal, and there is external stress to deal with, your ego can begin to feel overwhelmed and afraid. It then tries paint everything black and tries to block out your eternal bliss.  This is when you are miserable and anxious. Some people spill all their anger, fear, rage, and misery outwards, causing suffering and pain for all others around them. They feel some relief for a brief instance, and then their ego manages to quickly start “beating themselves up”, causing even more anxiety for themselves. Often when this kind of ego enslavement is in action the human will then resort to some sort of drug or alcohol “solution”, which is also brief, and followed by more guilt, physical discomfort, and more external drama perpetrated on other human beings. This is what the Bible and other faith-based teachings define as hell – and all along it never HAS to be this way.

Now for those who suffer from anxiety, we usually internalize our ego-based anger, sadness, fear, and loathing. This causes our anxiety disorders. Remember the old bumper sticker and poster of the 1970′s that had this saying?,

“Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it”

This is an ego-based statement. It’s surely funny, but why is it so funny? Because it’s makes us laugh at our silly human egos. We all have moments in our lives when we are really angry (disconnected from reality) and we think to ourselves something like, “I’d like to punch that person out”.

Of course, the vast majority of people on earth don’t act on a thought like that, because deep inside we know it’s a ridiculous and hateful thing to do, and we’re afraid of what will happen as well. So when we have a chance to laugh at our own angry moments and negative emotions, it’s a great relief. I think I’ve mentioned before that laughing at yourself (or your ego actually) is great therapy when you are stressed out.

This funny saying is true in some ways for people who suffer from anxiety sometimes. We don’t spill outward our fear and anger because we don’t want to hurt or upset others. We take it inward and not outward. On a purely temporary point of view, it would seem that the person who spills out their grief and pain on others is better off – but not in the long run. In the long run these people suffer much more, and are usually left without any kind of human support later in life.

The trick to relieving anxiety for most people is to accept it for it’s temporary existance, literally laugh at your fear, ease off the self absorbtion with activity and movement, and stop taking ourselves so seriously. In other words, stop taking ego-based and false selves so seriously.

Have you ever seen some of the pictures of Buddha laughing. This is what the truth is. The truth is fearless and alive. We can laugh at ourselves as a way to disspate the ego which controls our mind processes during stress bouts.

Try chuckling and laughing at all things you’ve been worried about or sad about. I know how hard it is to that when you are in the middle of a stressful time, but it can help a little – if not briefly.

Rest assured that your anxiety will be gone soon, and always has in the past. It is NOT a permanent thing. With or without medication, you will get through the stressful times, and realize how silly your little ego is to so afraid.

So to update my current situation as I write this post. I still feel like I’m in the anxiety cloud and writing about anxiety is probably not the best thing to do at the moment, but honestly, and look at all times of anxiety as a chance to learn. Even as I have been in the full anxiety mode today, I deep down inside feel like there is hope, bright blue sky days, happy happy times, beautiful sunsets and sunrises, smiling faces, and stress free days, weeks, months, and years ahead of me.

This is the true mystery of the human mind – even when our egos are taking everything so seriously, and is making our days miserable, we can still feel that somewhat distant voice of reality that is never gone. It’s quietly speaking the truth about the beauty of life, and when the clouds of anxiety pass by, the blue sky of peace and tranquility will be waiting for us. Just writing this makes me feel better.

This is the first time that I’ve ever written a post while under extreme stress so it’s interesting. I’m not sure how long I will continue writing, but the words seem to keep coming out.

My wife is almost ready now to go out, and we putting our dogs (two Golden Retrievers) in our little GMC truck, and going to the dump (landfill) to get rid of some dirt and branches we cleared away a couple of weeks ago. It’s a perfectly blue sky day today, and you would have to wonder why I would feel anxious at all. I have a big house in an upscale neighborhood, a perfect job for me (which is blogging from home) and pays very well, our kids are both out of the house and doing very well. It’s late August and it’s warm and perfect. Our financial house is in order and we are in good health. We travel all the time because our job’s allow for this kind of freedom. We do that in a brand new motor home we bought last year. So how could I possibly feel anxiety? Good question. I don’t quite know either, but I have a guess.

It means so much to me that other people are doing OK in the world, and I can easily get very wrapped up in the “state of the world”. I also get very wrapped in United States politics, and the last 9 years has been difficult to watch. Seeing all of the problems Americans are going through has caused me alot of stress – basically I have caused myself allot of stress because I have chosen to let me ego take control and lament about the plight of others. It’s hard for me to see the suffering of others and write if off as part of the divine order of life on earth.

I know that there are other countries and other peoples who are suffering much more than Americans, but I have always felt that if American can get it’s act together, there is a chance for the rest of world. It’s like the flight attendant that tells parents to make sure they have their oxygen mask on first before helping their children. I use this as a metaphor for the United States and the world. If the U.S.A can get it together, they can help with influence in the rest of the world. Not with leathal weapons, but with compassion, leadership, and diplomacy. It’s a dream – a good dream, but for my own stress levels I have to accept that there is tragedy in the world, and that I will not see what I perceive to be a perfect world. This is the naive state that my adult mind still plays with sometimes.

This is how over-sized my own ego is. It will actually try and convince me that I should feel guilt for the suffering of others, because I have been so lucky. This is why I started Saneadvice.com, and why I don’t use my real name, and why there is no advertising on this site. I needed to create a web site that helps people through their anxiety issues, without me gaining from it, and without me taking credit for it.

(I have other web sites that are not about self-help and anxiety, and they are purely for making money. This is why my wife and I free and make a good living)

I think the reason I am so anxious today is because it is tax time, it’s the month end, and I’v been feeling tired and a little ill. I have been watching too much news as the United States Congress, Senate, and Whitehouse grapple with trying to fix their nation’s healthcare problem. I see some extreme so-called right-wing people trying to scare people for the sake of large profit hungry insurance companies, and medical services related companies. I see the elected politicians in the U.S. government taking contributions from these same private companies which is the ultimate in conflict of interest. Meanwhile I see over 35 million people in the United States who don’t have health care at all, and hundreds of thousand of others losing the health care they have. I see the great injustice of all this, and I get very angry. This is pure ego, and I’ll feel better when I just let it go. I can pray for these people. I can pray for the United States and World, and really that is the best I can do.

So this too maybe what has brought on this anxiety. Like I have said before, it’s usually a combination of things adding up over time which bring on anxiety problems, and it alway means I have been processing what I see the wrong way. In order to see the reality of life I can’t be constantly telling myself how messed up the world is, or people are. I have to stop judging so many things as bad, or “not right”, and I have to give up control all together. Just let things be as they are and accept it. Then I have to learn once again what is the truth.

The truth is that I don’t have to take myself so seriously, and I’m NOT going to “save the world”, and I’m not heading for a personal disaster. As all people who have experienced extreme anxiety know – our common sense feels like it’s impossible to grasp when we are “out there” consumed with fear.

I must say that now I feel much better because of what just happened in our living room. My wife’s computer was not working for her, and it was something very simple and I knew it. I got frustrated, and as I was trying to help her (as quickly as possible) I acted angry in my face expressions, and tone of voice. I fixed her monitor problem, and then I apologized for seeming angry, and explained that I was feeling stress.

She responded by saying, “Oh, I thought you were just being an insensitive prick.” I began to laugh out loud and so did she. There is an inside joke here and it goes like this.

I told my wife once that when I’m deeply anxious I get quieter, I eat less, I move by body (more exercise), I stop smoking, and I become more aware of how I am treating others. I told her that when I’m feeling better, I’m less sensitive to others, I over eat, I don’t exercise, I smoke, I don’t worry. She said jokingly,

“So let me get this right – when you are feeling good, you are a fat and lazy insensitive prick” We both started to laugh loudly. This is good comfort to laugh at yourself.

Well we must go to the dump now. This post has helped move things along in my discission on the ego and how serious we can get. We must learn to float and not get “bent out of shape” when things we see and witness don’t go according to our egos.

The answer to my stress today is very simple friends – my little ego is upset because it is not seeing exactly what it wants. When I give up this ego and learn to laugh at my ego, I will start to feel like “myself again”.

Sorry if anyone reading Saneadvice.com ever thought that I had “my shit together” completely, and that I never have extreme anxiety on some days. The reality is that no human ever totally conquers their ego. We can learn to live with our ego though, and we can spend most all our time relaxing in the moment.

Sometimes anxiety just means you need to reset your thinking because you have been thinking wrongly for awhile. Hitting reset button now!