You have the same issue that so many millions of highly driven people go through – overload and over work. I would suggest there may be some obsession going on here too (don’t know – you tell me).

I can tell that you are really going through a hard time and are not currently well – why? One, because you told me so, and Two, I noticed your frequent use the letter “I” . You can always tell when things are coming back to normal because our focus is no longer just on ourselves.

This is why some of the calmest people on the planet spend every day helping others in some way. Anyway, I can relate with your problem in a very personal way.

You need to GET AWAY from this work you are doing for a few days, or weeks, if possible. I mean get away and stop thinking about it all together. Get away from worrying about your fate, and before you know it you will be enjoying your work again. It’s very hard to write when you have placed such a badge of importance on the end result.

Do you still enjoy your work? I’m guessing that you do. Great! Take a much needed break and get away from yourself, the university, and anyone who goes to that university. You’ve come this far, so now it’s time to completely break away for awhile so that you can find your TRUE self again, and not the “made up one” you have created in your mind. Remember – your mind can never be fully trusted.

You need to STOP assuming that being a Professor is the ONLY path for you.

You need to STOP seeing this situation as an “excruciating dillema” and see your situation as a very powerful learning experience.

You need to STOP basing your self worth on whether or not you become a professor. You will very likely become a professor, but you must learn to NEVER base your self worth on the job and title. Why? Because even when you finally succeed in becoming a professor, there will come a day when you are no longer a professor. Then what? More depression and anxiety.

Albert Einstein always reminded himself that he was just a bag of flesh and bones having a very temporary experience as a human being. He rarely let his EGO take full control and see himself as “The Brilliant Scientist Albert Einstein”. This is why he made such a difference – he was “in it” for the love of the work and not the love of a title.

I’m not suggesting that you are a shallow person with a massive ego who wants to be a professor so you can impress people with your title. NOT AT ALL. I am suggesting that for the time being, you have placed so much importance on the goal that you have forgotten how much you just enjoy the work. I do this EVERY YEAR, and it takes a couple of days to snap back out of it. It usually means taking a break (in my mind) from my goals. All “driven” people deal with this Steve.

I know what it’s like to work for many many years on a project and then fail. I don’t think you will fail, but I’m telling you that I did “get over” my failure and moved on to be happy with my new life. Try never to assume or tell yourself that life isn’t worth living unless you succeed. That attitude is a true recipe for unhappiness, pain, and suffering.

I believe that those of us who reach for big goals – strive, sweat, cry, bleed, and give EVERYTHING we have towards a project face what you are facing now – the horrible thought of possible failure! Here is the good news;

1. When we succeed, we learn something and we are overjoyed with having “made it”. But then our egos find some other thing to attach us to, and the suffering continues.
2. When we fail, we learn something and usually our egos cause us great suffering. We then learn to detach from the goal, and often go through a process of finding who we “really are”. Ironically, failure usually teaches us more.

Either outcome, you will be “just fine” and you will find that special place. I guarantee it!

I spent a decade working in the music business and told myself (and the world) that I was going to “make it”. I let my ego wrap my whole existence around “being a musician”. This made my music suffer, me suffer, and those around me suffer. (great ego means great suffering).

In the end I failed. But man I had a great time (most of time) on the road, meeting people, living for a dream, etc. etc. I look back now and I am SO GRATEFULL that I failed, and so GRATEFUL for the experiences. The good news is that I ended up doing what I love and making a good living doing it working from home. The thing I loved the most about music was writing the lyrics. I loved the words, and the way we can make them dance around a story. What I didn’t know was that one dream quest was simply the forshadow of another dream quest.

You are on your true path right now Steve. Right now, this suffering is a gift, although you can’t see it that way. The great news is that, no matter what the outcome, you WIN!

Try not to forget that there are plenty of miserable professors out there.

So take a break (in your mind) from all your work, come back to it, and finish your dissertation in a way that you enjoy. Then let the universe take it from there. Let go, and let the chips fall where they may.

No matter what, you will still be the same amazing person you were when you were born, and the same amazing person when you die (of old, old age my friend .

As John Lennon said, “It’s nothing to get hung about”.

NOTHING is worth getting hung about!!!! Nothing.

In time you will agree with everything I am saying. However, you may not like reading this right now if your ego is in the driver’s seat.

Have a break and have some FUN!!!

I have devoted almost half of my life to training for a career as a professor, but I can’t even begin until I finish the dissertation, and if I fail I would rather die than bear the interminable burden of a “job.” I know that finishing the dissertation is the only solution to this excruciating dillema. But I’m too afraid to write! The dissertation has become a phobia and I am only a quarter done. I’ve been spinning my wheels for a few months now in preparation to write, and I’m terrified of beginning again because I have had some horrifying experiences in the past. When I write, I often find that the writing process itself takes over and the paper gets written by forces beyond my control. Sometimes when I lose control of this randomness, I fear that I am losing my mind. It feels like I am running frantically through the smoke-filled halls of a burning building, trying locked door after locked door in search of an exit.

We are being our true selves when we STOP the mind and let the brain work within our bodies the way it was intended.

Good brain blog by the way.

Jacob