This post was written for my mother, and about my mother’s anxiety and depression disorders in her life due to her abusive parents. It’s not to say that she is always suffering, but she suffers more than most people with “mind problems”.
One of the most frustrating things we human beings go through when we finally decide we DO want enlightenment, in an attempt to stop personal suffering, is dealing with the insanity which is all around us, and in our families.
We have family and friends who are still caught up in their own affairs and egos (as we all are), at the same time we are trying to tame our own egos, to stop the insanity it brings into our lives, and the lives of those who come into contact with.
For instance, I just had a family camping trip with my parents in the United States (Montana to be exact) and although it was great to see them, I was mystified at how out of connection my own mother seemed to be. A lot of it had to do with being away from home and away from Canada – I think.
It was plainly obvious that my mother is still plagued by strong feeling of grief, guilt, doubt, fear, general anxiety, and remorse.
Her basic inclination, even as she approaches her 70′s is negative, yet she tries to maintain a positive outlook. It’s plain to see the stress in her eyes, and it saddens me to see how much she has suffered at the hands of her own ego for all her life.
Now I don’t mean to say this as a negative or judgemental (bad judgement) thing regarding my mother. When I think of her now, I think of her with love and compassion, and see her standing their in the morning walking her little dog, and starting her new day. I feel a strong feeling of compassion for how she suffered greatly under the egos of her father, mother, and siblings.
You see – my mother was beaten and abused as a child. She was physically abused, verbally abused, and emotionally abused. She was taught to learn fear, guilt, pain, and sorrow every step of the way. Her father (my grandfather) truly believed that life was HARD and suffering was the name of the game. He suffered from a MASSIVE ego which justified the beating and abusing of his children, and the neglect of his wife. By all accounts, he was raised by people with the very same intellect. What are the odds that my mother would grow up knowing peace, tranquility, and a view of REAL life, which is actually beauty, love, compassion, and fearlessness – not a chance baby! But alas, the world is changing and more and more parents are tuning into the new age spirituality and getting away from guilt and fear based religions.
I see my mother walking home from school dreading what she was going to find, and experience, as she opened the door to her childhood home. I see her hiding in her room, which was organized to the tee, in an attempt to gain some sort of sanity in her young life. The tragedy is so great, that my heart sinks at this imagery. (don’t worry, this gets better)
As I said to my wife this morning, while I was eating my Eggs Benedict at Ihop, our parents’ examples are examples of lives we can use to learn from – not completely emulate.We must see the positive examples our parent’s set for us (which had many and mostly) and completely detach from any negative examples.
When I was a younger man, full of ego and brashness, I rebelled against my mother (and father to some degree) and told myself, and her, that I would not conform to her view of the world, or even the view of the back yard. I made it clear that I was going to go my own way, and that I knew better of what life was all about. The truth was that I KNEW the truth, but didn’t understand it. It’s taken me 30 years to even begin to understand and KNOW the truth. I feel like I am just beginning to learn now.
The truth is that the egos and insanity of past generations in our family, are automatically programmed into our child’s mind, and we learn to emulate our parents, IF we don’t learn to be witnesses of our lives through consciousness. When we begin looking at our family behaviors, and see our parents and grandparents objectively for what they are and were, we begin to break the chains of the insanity we inherit.
When my mother and I were talking about the anxiety (and depression) issues she has had in her life, my life, and my brother’s life, she mentioned that she was glad my brother and I never had children of our own. She was glad we never had children because, as she put it, “the chain is broken”, and the suffering can now end. I don’t see it this way.
I’ve thought a great deal about her comment since she said it (too much for sure), and it still baffles me that she sometimes looks at life with such a cynical lens. To even think such a thought shows the level of ego and destructiveness that still dwells inside her mind. when I think of her comments here, I still see my mother as the little girl walking to school crying because her father had strapped her legs with a belt, leaving painful cuts and bruises for her classmates to see. It saddens me – but at the same time it teaches me something very important.
What is important is to “break the chain” as my dear mother put it. To break the chain of ego, insanity, and destructiveness – in the very moment we breath today’s breathe. We must completely break the chains of ego we have created, and those of our parents, and their parents. To break the chains of fear, shame, and loathing, whilst we visualization them (our parents) in a glowing light of pure love.
What was so difficult for my mother, was that her father (and mother) had such strong egos – there was very little time for her parents’ true light and love to shine through. I know, and my mother knows, that her parents did have light and love to share with the world, and they did – but it never seemed to be often. At least that is what my mother, and her siblings thought. The children of this family were so tightly gripped by fear, resentment, shame, and dysfunction, that even when their parents had moments of compassion, sanity, and reality, they couldn’t see it. They could only see the past infractions and insanity of their parents, and dreaded the future bouts of insanity soon to come. The reason my life has been so much different, and why my outlook is so much clearer, is because I got to see the light of truth emanate from my mother and father far more often.
The reason my brother and I have suffered with depression and anxiety is because we were greatly effected by my mother’s pain and suffering. We were spared the more intense suffering that my mother and her siblings experienced, but nevertheless and ALAS, it was, and is present. But that is changing for me.
Not only do I understand my past, and the past of my parents, I understand the fundamental truth of life. I understand the insanity of ego and it’s destructive affect of the people on this earth. I know what satori feels like because I have experienced it. I know what “the light” looks like, and now the true relationship I have with my parents, their parents, and their parent’s parents.
Although my parents will always hold an intensely special place in my heart, my compassion for all human beings of earth, and all animals on earth, are no less intense. I see my parents as the people that gave me birth, cared for me, and feel a sacred bond with, but I don’t see my love for them as MORE than what I see for a stranger. This may sound crazy to some people reading this, but in fact this is an important reality in the new world coming. We must give the same respect and love towards strangers as we give our own parents.
Dear Mother, I have broken the chains already – the chains that you are talking about, that is. I don’t believe in the chains of fear, shame, guilt, anger, remorse, and ego’s insanity. I don’t believe in the fantasy of your parents’ evils, and the evils you imagine you have carried out. I don’t believe in a world that is frightening, and full of peril. I don’t believe that I am a carbon copy of you, and your parents. I am nothing more than another living and breathing soul on this earth, that was REALLY brought here to share love and compassion with all.
I know that to the ego controlled mind this could seem like a horrible insult, a detachment, a slap in the face, a disowning of sorts – but it is truly the exact opposite of these. When I detach myself from the negative fantasies of earthly ego-based humans, this includes my family. I detach from what is NOT real. I detach from what is fear, worry, guilt, pain, and disillusion. I embrace what is a real in you and in all human beings.
Dear mother, I embrace you in pure love and compassion. I embrace you as what you truly are – pure love and empathy. I know that this is not what you see often enough, but you know this to be true. The mother I’ve seen smiling as she contemplates a thought that is cheery. The mother that lovingly considers her two boys every day. The mother that bathed her two boys, loved her two boys, fed her two boys, and protected her two boys. The mother that taught her boys of right and wrong, and wrestled with every advancement of our young and adult lives. Yes – I fully and finally embrace with you with pride.
No mother, I detach from your fear and your fantasy of fear. I embrace what is truly real in you. So when you speak of your torment, and the past that emotionally crippled you so much that you could spend the majority of a month in gloom, I must detach with love. I see through these fantasies of gloom and fear, only seeing the TRUTH of you. The bright and clear truth of your actions and your dreams. I see the pure essence of your God connection and refuse to see you as a victim any longer. I refuse to see myself as a victim, and my brother as one too.
I fully except MY RESPONSIBILITY to see the truth if life and light. I FULLY EXCEPT my responsibility to detach from fearful fantasies, and embrace glorious reality. No longer will I let my egoic mind completely overtake an entire day or week. As a matter of fact, I will not allow my egoic mind to ruin even 10 minutes of my day if possible. Oh – I’m very aware of the human egoic mind now, and I put my own on notice. The real boss is my God essence – my third eye, so to speak.
So worry not my dear mother, I love you for what you really are. I see you for what you really are, even if you cannot at times. I except you for exactly what you really are, and do not see your egoic mind as you – the same as I do not see my egoic mind as me.
So fear not my dear mother, the chain has been broken. The full light of awareness and consciousness has made everything crystal clear. The egoic chains of destruction have been broken, shattered, and destroyed forever and ever – amen. The only thing left on the horizon, is light. In this light I see you for the beautiful human being you are today and all days. I see only what is real, and not what is false in you.
You see dear Mother – the chains were never really there. They were a mirage – a ghost – an fantasy – a dark nightmare. They were never there. They existed completely in our frightened minds, and the frightened minds of our handlers.
I will no longer support these chains with my flesh and bone. I will endeavor to destroy any imaginary chains before our flesh perishes from this earth.
I had this email from on of our readers who needed some reassurance because of her severe struggle with Anxiety. This is her email with names and locations changed for privacy. Please read to the end because the story gets much better.
