I’m only taking 10 mg each morning between 7:30 AM and 9:30 AM, but the mood swing is always the same when the old bottle is empty and the new bottle starts. Why? Read on.

Every batch of generic Paxil is a little bit different when it comes of the manufactures line and therefore your dosage will be a wee bit different than the last bottle you had, which would be from a completely different batch. It usually takes me about 1 week to sort of calm down after starting the new bottle.

So try not to stress out – your serotonin levels are readjusting, but you will be fine – just try to relax and in a week you be all back on track again.

I’ve been telling myself and those around me for years now, that trying to be perfect at everything is a ridiculous and unachievable goal – a goal that can find you depressed and anxious, and even out of control. Now there is a study on this very subject to refer to. Please read this article on the effects of perfectionism – on yourself and the friends and family you affect every day. There is nothing wrong with putting in a GREAT effort, but you cannot afford to get hung up in the results – in the outcome of the effort.

Whatever you are working hard at achieving, remember to enjoy the effort in the moment and don’t get caught up in the outcome from the effort. Don’t worry about what people think of you, and don’t get hung up on your status and station in life. Enjoy each and every second being aware of what your ego (mind) is doing in the dance.

Remember that you are NEVER going to be perfect, and the outcomes from your hard work are NEVER going to be perfect. They can be “pretty darn good”, and likely pretty darn AMAZING in the long run, so you can enjoy the dance of life your playful time working with form – that’s all good. Just give up on ever being perfect at anything. In the words of Stewie Griffin,

“Let it goooooo Louis!”

There are plenty of ways to turn off your mind, and we all use them collectively as the great and wonderful human race. This is the short short short list;

• drinking (not advised more than 1-2 two drinks each evening
• getting high (not advised at all)
• having sex (preferably with a monogamous partner, or if you are alone…..you get the picture)
• dangerous activity like sky diving or mountain climbing
• hobbies
• hard work
• watching TV
• reading

If you look at all the different activities we humans take part in, most of them are used to stop the obsessive thinking and churning of old fears about the future and old regrets and grudges from the past. So what is the answer to stop thinking? Try this.

As yourself this question,

“I wonder what I’m going to think about next.”

Then pay special attention to your thoughts like waiting for mole to jump out of it’s hole . You will be surprised at how this stops your obsessive thinking in a heart beat. Of course this can’t last long, but you can still learn to be AWARE of where your thinking is taking you. All day long! Be aware, and be ready to tell your mind to go get stuffed when it decides to live in the past or the future and not moment you are living.

Turn off your mind stone cold sober – this is all meditation really is. You don’t need to meditate – just sit there by yourself in silence and observe your mind activity. After awhile your thoughts will begin to come in slower and as you gain awareness of your thinking, the more relaxed and “happy” you will be.

What do you think???

What finally got it all under control was the classic thought process of detachment and “being the witness”. ”Being the witness” means sort of imagine a kind and loving witness watching you and keeping you safe. Then you begin to realize that the witness is part of you – then you realize the witness is God. Light and love energy that is always with you and will never leave, and has always been with. This is the same energy of light and love and Jesus, the Buddha, and Mohammad were trying tell us about – they were all trying to tell us humans the truth about or life situations and existence on this earth. They were trying to tell us that it’s OK – that everything is already perfect and that YOU are a piece of God.

So next time you feel stressed try and imagine a kind, loving entity floating over you/with you and then realize that you are ACTUALLY that witness and not the worried mind that is making you miserable. The love and light knows there are no problems – only more light and only love. When you feel this feeling (and it is a feeling – not just a thought) you will feel a massive warm sense of peace. You can even imagine this loving entity saying something like this;

“I can see young (Mark or Mary – you!) worrying and suffering with fear because of their human ego. I can see how they are unconscious of reality in their mind right now, and they need to wake up. They need to snap out of their ego and remember that their existence is not about their ego and the material world, but more about the perceptions you are expereincing.

Dear Jacob and Emma,I don’t really know what I’m doing writing this email. I wrote a very long comment on the article Managing and Diagnosing Extreme Anxiety Disorders, and then was too chicken to post it. I think I just need to reach out to someone who ‘gets’ it, you know?

Anyway. So, about a year ago, a bunch of really crap stuff happened in quick succession – a bunch of stuff I had no control over. I don’t want to go into detail about it, really, but the worst of the things that happened was my husband (who has Crohns disease) had a serious attack which almost killed him, and ended up having to have emergency surgery for that. That was probably the worst and scariest month I’ve ever had to live through.

It seemed like everything – big and small – went wrong. Everything. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I tried my best to be the strong, together one who dealt with everything, so my husband wouldn’t have anything to worry about but getting better. I managed it, for the most apart. Until he started to fully recover, and then I had a month-long panic attack which just didn’t let up. I couldn’t eat, I barely slept. I threw up everything I tried to eat, and when it got really bad, everything I tried to drink, too.

I felt constantly nauseous and terrified, all the time, and couldn’t figure out why. I felt like I was waiting, in terror, for the next awful, horrible thing to go wrong. I went to doctors, who ran every test under the sun, and couldn’t find anything wrong with me. One of them even told me he thought it was psychological, but they all just sent me home without help.

After a month of this it got so bad I couldn’t move off the floor. I just lay there, crying, so scared I couldn’t even look up. So I called an ambulance and begged them to help. Got taken to a psych ward, where I stayed for a week. (Honestly, that was a relief; it felt safe there. For the first time in months, I felt safe.)

Since then, life has had its ups and downs. I’m doing everything right: trying to challenge my fears, taking all my medication, going to therapy… okay, I lied a bit about the last one. I haven’t been to therapy in a few months now. But I missed an appointment and am embarrassed to call her back because it’s been so long now. Plus, we can’t afford it. It’s been almost a year since this started, and I’m supposed to be getting better, I think… but I’m not better. I still don’t feel like me. My agoraphobia has flared up again and some days I can’t leave the house at all. Some days I can, as long as someone else drives. Some days (rarely) I can drive. Never on my own, though. I’m sometimes having trouble eating, but refusing to obsess about it because I’m too scared to end up throwing up all the time again. (Because that REALLY sucked, and if I go back there again I’ll end up on the psych ward again and back to square one.) I just feel like I’m not ever going to be normal again, you know? I can’t work, and the thought of doing perfectly routine things scares me, so I end up sitting at home doing nothing, trying to distract myself from life and all the scary things in it, and wishing I was ‘me’ again.

What if I’m never ‘me’ again? What if I have to fight to be happy and healthy for the rest of my life? I don’t think I can bear that thought. I’ve been having thoughts of suicide… not serious thoughts. Those horrible intrusive thoughts you get when the anxiety gets really bad, and everything is terrifying and everything you think of sends a fresh wave of panic through you, and you sit there thinking, “Jeez, I can’t do this. I can’t see any way out. I want to bang my head against a wall until I knock myself unconscious, just to stop these racing thoughts.” And then you think, “Why bother? I mean, it all ends up the same way anyway; we all die eventually. Why must I fight and suffer so much in the meantime? Let’s cut to the chase…” They’re horrible thoughts, and I’m not serious about them. I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to die. But I feel so trapped. I want to be alive again! It’s been so long since I’ve felt alive, and like myself.

I want to be better so badly, because I can’t live like this. I guess my question is this… will there come a time when I can look back on all of this and not remember what it was like? Will I ever be fully ‘me’ again, that fearless person who thought nothing of hopping on trans-atlantic flights, alone…? Will I be happy and hardly even think of anxiety at all, ever again? Or am I going to be fighting every day with this, for the rest of my life?

Where do I start putting my life back together – is there a place to begin, a path to take to being me and happy again? How do I do it?

Please help. I’m typing this at 1am because I can’t sleep, I’ve been terrified and crying all day. I hope I’m just hormonal or something (always seems to get worse at certain times of the month)… but part of me is so tired of fighting to get better. It’s like swimming upstream; you swim and swim and swim, as hard as you can, and then you look to the bank and see you haven’t moved at all. You’re just treading water, just fighting not to get dragged even further back. I guess it’s because it’s been so long since the initial attack that I’m feeling despondent and helpless. I had so much confidence in me, and that I could get better, half a year ago. But it’s been so long, it’s totally sapped my belief in myself.

I don’t know where to turn any more.

Thank you for listening. I’m sorry that you’ve got a long and rambling email from a stranger. I hope you don’t mind too much.

All the best,

Jenny

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Our Reply

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Hi Jenny,Sorry to hear you are stuck in the painful stages of extreme anxiety. Everything you have described is classic, and unfortunately VERY common in this new world of ours. All of the stressors that hit you have overwhelmed you, and the ONLY way leave behind the suffering is to learn the art of acceptance. I know that is a cliche and not something you want to hear, but in the end all of us humans have to learn to be like water – let go, let God, and move with the stream down the mountain side and avoid getting hung up when BIG changes come. Negative change is very hard to deal with, but you can (and will) succeed in re-adjusting your outlook.

The good news is; all of this anxiety and suffering is not REALLY you. You are going to have to disconnect from your mind to finally get back on track.

Ask yourself this right now;

Close your eyes, and slowly ask yourself this question;

“At this very second of time – at this very moment, is there REALLY any problems.”

The answer is most likely no.

This is called becoming present in the moment, and understanding what is real and what is false. Frightening thoughts about the future, and negative thoughts about yourself (or anyone else) in the past is completely false. The past is gone and not real – the future is not real either. You must learn to understand that the ONLY THING REAL is this very moment of time.

Your mind, and it’s endless negative thoughts, are false and NOT real, so begin learning to disregard all your frightening thoughts, and only embrace good thoughts. Good thoughts are REAL and bad thoughts are FALSE. Ever religion know to man points to this. Don’t take your thoughts and mind activity seriously, because right now it’s just obsessive ego thinking that is scaring you. Imagine grabbing a big lever and pulling down to shut off your brain and constant thinking. The sooner you slow down your thinking, the sooner you will begin to feel better again – your true self.

Repeat this to yourself this when you are alone.

“What am I going to think of next?”

Then wait. When the next negative thought comes, say this to yourself;

“That’s just my mind and it’s not reality – it’s fantasy. The reality is that everything is going to be fine.”

Then start again;

“What am I going to think of next?”

At some point you can ask yourself the same question and there will be no thoughts – THAT is when you will feel a great sense of relief. Thinking is NOT required most of the time in our lives. We need to need turn off our thinking AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

You are going to be OK Liz. I repeat. You ARE NOT losing your mind, and you are not going to hurt yourself or any one else. You are a loving and caring human being who was born beautiful and perfect. You are a very beautiful person and your mind (charged by ego) has hi-jacked your REAL self. Your real self is always with you in your body too. Listen to your breathing and pay attention to the sensations in your body because that is a true connection to the universal energy of intention, and perfection.

You will get through this, and you will be a much WISER human being with a great deal of compassion for others.

Love Jacob and Emma

So I know now that I have two definite triggers that cause such a massive craving, I’m almost helpless in the face of a cigarette. One is coffee, and the other is alcohol and group socializing. So it’s really simple right? Don’t drink alcohol in excess of two drinks and avoid coffee all together. Sounds simple does it not? Well, it’s not.

Another thing I’ve noticed is the effect of Goji berry and fruit drinks. As well as that, I’ve noticed a difference between drinking Zrii every day, and drinking Goji berry mixtures.

By far, the Goji berries WORKED FAR BETTER than drinking Zrii, or Acai berry juice. I’ve tried both now, and I can tell you that mixing real Goji berries in a blender with some blueberries, a banana, and some milk and orange juice will help you curb your cravings for cigarettes and food. I was losing weight when I had the Goji berry blender drinks every day. When I ran out of Goji berries, I felt much worse. I was tired more, felt aches and pains more, and had less fight in me to stop smoking all together.

The relapse I had really bummed me out because I had done well staying off the cigs for 2 weeks. Really bummed me out, and I could feel discomfort in my chest again the next morning. Gross!

So I ordered a big bag (cheap too) of Goji berries which I’m still waiting for, and I have not smoked again since the relapse. I’ll drink this Zrii until the Goji berries arrive.

Junk is still coming out of my lungs with little black spots in the phlegm. Guess you want that to happen so all the tar and crap leaves your lungs.

So what I did was replace the smoking with drinking fruit shake mixes with no sugar. Just the blueberries, goji berries (for cheap), orange juice, peaches, strawberries, bit of milk, 5 ice cubes, and 1 banana.

Mix it up in the blender every night, so I have a small glass, or half a glass every time I have an urge to smoke. Just replaced a bad habit with a good habit. I talk about my goji drink concoction on this post. The results of all this has been amazing for me. I feel so much better it’s hard to describe. Below is a list of what I’ve noticed since the cigarettes have been gone.

List of Positive Things I’ve Noticed Since Quitting Smoking

• nicer going for walks and having breath
• food tastes better
• I can smell things better
• more energy for working
• better (sounder) sleep
• less anxiety
• feeling of accomplishment

Also started taking a huge once-a-day vitamin pill that has a bit of everything in it. I think this has helped allot with everything too. Having the phlegm come out of my lungs has been a little unnerving, but I’ve been reading elsewhere online that it’s very normal. (if you think that is gross – every hear of people that SMOKE PHLEGM) I know that story is really gross, but that is how serious this addiction is. Smoking can turn you into an addict just as desperate as a cocaine addict or a heroin addict.

How Did I Finally Manage To Quit Smoking

The reason is that I’ve been wanting to quit for a long time, and failed many, many times. Start – stop – start -stop – start – stop. I think what happened was that deep inside I really wanted to quit, and intended to quit. What really did it for me was a chest flu and bad cough I had for two weeks.

I was already down to two cigarettes in the morning, and about five smokes throughout the day and evening, for a total of around 7-8 cigarettes every 24 hours. Still way to much for me because I wanted to quit all together. I loathe cigarettes, tobacco companies, tobacco lobbyists, and on top of that – I’m disgusted with governments who make tobacco products legal while at the same time pretend to care about the health of the people they are supposed to be working for (and leading).

I was tired of feeling sick, and feeling tired. I was tired of being out of breathe when I went golfing, or going for a walk. I was disgusted to be giving money to tobacco companies, and I wanted to set a better example in my family – for my wife, the kids, and grand kids.

I was sick of the habit, and really sick of the morning anxiety due to nicotine withdrawal. Most of all, I was sick of feeling like a hostage to a deadly habit.

As soon as I fell sick from the flu and the chest cold, a knew that I was going to be quitting smoking once and for all. I also knew that I HAD to replace my smoking habit with another habit that felt good, and gave me a reward (just like a dog or lab rat). This is why I started blending these berry and banana drinks.

After going through the withdrawal this long and going through the detoxification process (phlegm discharge etc.) I realize that I never want to go through this process again. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also NOT a big deal. When we quit smoking it’s important that we don’t see it as a big deal – some brutal withdrawal process feels like you are dying.

A Future Classroom History Lesson After Cigarettes Are Long Gone

There will be a day long after we’re all gone when teachers in schools will take about the ancient times when humans used to smoke these gross things called cigarettes that polluted their lungs, gave them diseases, and killed them.

Not only that, these ancient humans used to PAY big money every day to do this.

I can imagine the students looking at the teacher dumbfounded and shocked to learn of how backwards and ignorant the “ancient humans” were. I can imagine the students sitting around the dinner table telling their parents about what they learned in school that day, amazed by the weird old days.

This day WILL come. I have no question this day will come.

So Now I’m Hoping My Wife Will Finally Quit

Now I’m hoping my wife will finally quit smoking too. It’s been hard to quit when this always cigarettes in the house. Still did manage to quit, and I don’t blame her for the difficulty, but now I want her to quit for her health. She has been smoking since she was teenager, and is now 49. I started smoking when I was 21 and stopped at 46.

Would I Ever Smoke Again?

No, No, and NO. My brother-in-law always says that if he ever finds out he has a terminal disease, he will start smoking again, because he misses the high from the tobacco. I disagree.

I’ll never start smoking again, no matter what. I’ll keep my lungs clean of smoke no matter what my future condition is.

I’ll update on this in future posts.

Ironically it’s cheaper for me to buy them through Amazon than to buy them directly from their web site.

I went searching high and low on the Internet for the cheapest possible Goji berries (but still high quality) I could find. I love these little dried red Wolf Berries, and they DO reduce stress. I’ve lost weight not AND my appetite is smaller. Weird, weird, weird, for sure.

I called some of the health food stores and organic stores in the city (Calgary, Alberta) and the prices were ridiculously expensive. $7.20 for every 100 grams! Let us do the math shall we on what I saved here.

So there are 453.60 grams in a pound, divided by 100 grams = 4.536.

4.536 multiplied by $7.20 = $32.66 CND (rounded up) per 1 pound of Goji berries. So 33 bucks a pound locally!!

Using my Amazon source above I got 5 pounds for $71.39 USD ($75.32 CND) after shipping – see the receipt below – this is by far the cheapest deal on Goji berries I have ever seen. If I had bought this many pounds of dried Goji berries locally it would have cost me $163.30 total. So $163.30 subtract $75.32 = $87.98 dollars saved on every 5 pounds I buy.

Receipt I was emailed for the 5 lb Bag of Goji Berries

Shipping Details : Natural Arts Botanicals
Order #:     003-2438567-6571416
Shipping Preference:     Group my items into as few shipments as possible
Subtotal of Items:       $59.40
Shipping & Handling:       $11.99
——
Total for this Order:       $71.39
Delivery estimate: October 19, 2009 – October 27, 2009
Shipping estimate for these items: October 9, 2009 – October 13, 2009
1     “Goji Berries Organic Raw Superfood 5 Lbs”
Sold by: Natural Arts Botanicals

So if you spend any time at all online looking for cheap prices on Goji berries, you will no doubt realize that this is the cheapest possible deal on Goji Berries by the pound.

So I finally quit smoking and it’s been quite the journey. It’s been 5 days with not a single drag. Chest feels better everyday, and breathing is a whole new experience. One thing has really helped during this time of cravings and change in lifestyle, and that has been berry drinks via blender.

Anti-Anxiety Drink Recipe

So here are the ingredients of my anti-anxiety drink.

• 1/2 cup of Goji berries
• 1 cup of blueberries or strawberries
• 1/2 cup of milk (1%)
• 1 cup of orange juice
• 1 banana
• 5 large ice cubes

So obviously you put all of these ingredients into your blender in any order, but whip it up well before you add the ice cubes. Get your drink really liquefied well and add the ice cubes to give it the chill factor and the necessary water ingredient.

I usually blend this up at night and sip some when I ever I have a craving for a cigarette or some junk food. This blended drink tasted WAY better than any junk food or cigarette – believe me!

I FEEL allot of things since I started drinking this drink.

• my energy has increased
• my sleep is much better
• my stress level has dropped
• my anxiety levels have dropped
• I’m getting more done in a day
• my craving for nicotine have dropped
• my craving for junk food has dropped

Not to say that you will have the same reaction I’ve having, but something is going on here.

So why would my body react to this drink the way it has. Let’s get into the berries in this drink.

Graph of what Goji Berries Can Do For Us

So this is what the graph shows for anti-anxiety benefits from consuming Goji berries. Where is graph comes from, I have no idea, but it’s encouraging. You can look up many more graphs on Goji berries by clicking here.

A Graph of Different Berries

click to enlarge image please

As you see with this graph you can see what most graphs show for Goji berries, blueberries, prunes, and spinach. So I see this as an accurate representation of comparison for the Goji berry and other berries.

It’s quite dramatic when you see these kinds of numbers compared. The next thing I did when I saw these numbers was buying Goji berries and consuming them. That’s next.

Why Spend Big Money On Goji Berries

Even after searching the Internet high and low, I had trouble finding Goji berries for a low price (or for cheap). Even if the web site(s) claim to have cheap Goji berries, by the time you add shipping charges, it’s expensive. The Goji berry bag I bought online cost 10 dollars, but after shipping it cost me $30 bucks! Sounds really expensive right? Sure, but…..

So two (1 pound) bags of Goji berries lasts me one month if I consume 1/2 a cup per day in my shakes and drinks. So wow – $60 bucks a month! Not so cheap!

But wait. I smoked around 10 cigarettes per day, when I smoked, and that comes do around 300 cigarettes a month. Where I live it costs $10 dollars for a pack of 25 smokes. So let us do the math shall we. That is $120 dollars a month on cigarettes.

I will continue to find a cheaper source for Goji berries, and when I find that source, I will post it here. It’s still very expensive when you consider I can buy a bag of frozen strawberries, or frozen blue berries for $5 or $6 dollars. Even with all this, I can afford to drink these Goji/Blueberry drinks for less than it cost me to smoke cigarettes. I will continue buying Goji berries instead of cigarettes.

Note in the graph above that blueberries are very high antioxidant content, and prunes too. These are much cheaper to buy, so if you can’t afford to order or buy Goji berries, these cheaper berries would be a good substitute.

I love mixing these berries up in a blender because frankly, I don’t like fruit that much eaten out of the hand – so to speak. I can’t stand bruised fruit, and often don’t even like the taste or texture of fruits and vegetables. When you drink these berries with some orange juice and a bit of milk, it tastes great and the texture issue is then gone.

Don’t Forget The Bananas and Orange Juice

I can’t stress enough how important the bananas and orange juice is to this recipe. My Mom used to prepare sliced bananas in a bowl of orange juice and then sprinkle some sugar on it – YUMMY!

Even without sugar, orange juice and bananas tastes great. I would not make this shake without these ingredients – I’ve tried and it’s not nearly as good, but experiment at will.

So there you have it – Jacob’s anti anxiety drink. Enjoy, and most of all….

Relax.

Update: as promised, I said I was looking for the cheapest possible place to buy Goji berries online. I wrote a post on the Cheapest GoJi Berries I could find online.

This post was written for my mother, and about my mother’s anxiety and depression disorders in her life due to her abusive parents. It’s not to say that she is always suffering, but she suffers more than most people with “mind problems”.

One of the most frustrating things we human beings go through when we finally decide we DO want enlightenment, in an attempt to stop personal suffering, is dealing with the insanity which is all around us, and in our families.

We have family and friends who are still caught up in their own affairs and egos (as we all are), at the same time we are trying to tame our own egos, to stop the insanity it brings into our lives, and the lives of those who come into contact with.

For instance, I just had a family camping trip with my parents in the United States (Montana to be exact) and although it was great to see them, I was mystified at how out of connection my own mother seemed to be. A lot of it had to do with being away from home and away from Canada – I think.

It was plainly obvious that my mother is still plagued by strong feeling of grief, guilt, doubt, fear, general anxiety, and remorse.

Her basic inclination, even as she approaches her 70′s is negative, yet she tries to maintain a positive outlook. It’s plain to see the stress in her eyes, and it saddens me to see how much she has suffered at the hands of her own ego for all her life.

Now I don’t mean to say this as a negative or judgemental (bad judgement) thing regarding my mother. When I think of her now, I think of her with love and compassion, and see her standing their in the morning walking her little dog, and starting her new day. I feel a strong feeling of compassion for how she suffered greatly under the egos of her father, mother, and siblings.

You see – my mother was beaten and abused as a child. She was physically abused, verbally abused, and emotionally abused. She was taught to learn fear, guilt, pain, and sorrow every step of the way. Her father (my grandfather) truly believed that life was HARD and suffering was the name of the game. He suffered from a MASSIVE ego which justified the beating and abusing of his children, and the neglect of his wife. By all accounts, he was raised by people with the very same intellect. What are the odds that my mother would grow up knowing peace, tranquility, and a view of REAL life, which is actually beauty, love, compassion, and fearlessness – not a chance baby! But alas, the world is changing and more and more parents are tuning into the new age spirituality and getting away from guilt and fear based religions.

I see my mother walking home from school dreading what she was going to find, and experience, as she opened the door to her childhood home. I see her hiding in her room, which was organized to the tee, in an attempt to gain some sort of sanity in her young life. The tragedy is so great, that my heart sinks at this imagery. (don’t worry, this gets better)

As I said to my wife this morning, while I was eating my Eggs Benedict at Ihop, our parents’ examples are examples of lives we can use to learn from – not completely emulate.We must see the positive examples our parent’s set for us (which had many and mostly) and completely detach from any negative examples.

When I was a younger man, full of ego and brashness, I rebelled against my mother (and father to some degree) and told myself, and her, that I would not conform to her view of the world, or even the view of the back yard. I made it clear that I was going to go my own way, and that I knew better of what life was all about. The truth was that I KNEW the truth, but didn’t understand it. It’s taken me 30 years to even begin to understand and KNOW the truth. I feel like I am just beginning to learn now.

The truth is that the egos and insanity of past generations in our family, are automatically programmed into our child’s mind, and we learn to emulate our parents, IF we don’t learn to be witnesses of our lives through consciousness. When we begin looking at our family behaviors, and see our parents and grandparents objectively for what they are and were, we begin to break the chains of the insanity we inherit.

When my mother and I were talking about the anxiety (and depression) issues she has had in her life, my life, and my brother’s life, she mentioned that she was glad my brother and I never had children of our own. She was glad we never had children because, as she put it, “the chain is broken”, and the suffering can now end. I don’t see it this way.

I’ve thought a great deal about her comment since she said it (too much for sure), and it still baffles me that she sometimes looks at life with such a cynical lens. To even think such a thought shows the level of ego and destructiveness that still dwells inside her mind. when I think of her comments here, I still see my mother as the little girl walking to school crying because her father had strapped her legs with a belt, leaving painful cuts and bruises for her classmates to see. It saddens me – but at the same time it teaches me something very important.

What is important is to “break the chain” as my dear mother put it. To break the chain of ego, insanity, and destructiveness – in the very moment we breath today’s breathe. We must completely break the chains of ego we have created, and those of our parents, and their parents. To break the chains of fear, shame, and loathing, whilst we visualization them (our parents) in a glowing light of pure love.

What was so difficult for my mother, was that her father (and mother) had such strong egos – there was very little time for her parents’ true light and love to shine through. I know, and my mother knows, that her parents did have light and love to share with the world, and they did – but it never seemed to be often. At least that is what my mother, and her siblings thought. The children of this family were so tightly gripped by fear, resentment, shame, and dysfunction, that even when their parents had moments of compassion, sanity, and reality, they couldn’t see it. They could only see the past infractions and insanity of their parents, and dreaded the future bouts of insanity soon to come. The reason my life has been so much different, and why my outlook is so much clearer, is because I got to see the light of truth emanate from my mother and father far more often.

The reason my brother and I have suffered with depression and anxiety is because we were greatly effected by my mother’s pain and suffering. We were spared the more intense suffering that my mother and her siblings experienced, but nevertheless and ALAS, it was, and is present. But that is changing for me.

Not only do I understand my past, and the past of my parents, I understand the fundamental truth of life. I understand the insanity of ego and it’s destructive affect of the people on this earth. I know what satori feels like because I have experienced it. I know what “the light” looks like, and now the true relationship I have with my parents, their parents, and their parent’s parents.

Although my parents will always hold an intensely special place in my heart, my compassion for all human beings of earth, and all animals on earth, are no less intense. I see my parents as the people that gave me birth, cared for me, and feel a sacred bond with, but I don’t see my love for them as MORE than what I see for a stranger. This may sound crazy to some people reading this, but in fact this is an important reality in the new world coming. We must give the same respect and love towards strangers as we give our own parents.

Dear Mother, I have broken the chains already – the chains that you are talking about, that is. I don’t believe in the chains of fear, shame, guilt, anger, remorse, and ego’s insanity. I don’t believe in the fantasy of your parents’ evils, and the evils you imagine you have carried out. I don’t believe in a world that is frightening, and full of peril. I don’t believe that I am a carbon copy of you, and your parents. I am nothing more than another living and breathing soul on this earth, that was REALLY brought here to share love and compassion with all.

I know that to the ego controlled mind this could seem like a horrible insult, a detachment, a slap in the face, a disowning of sorts – but it is truly the exact opposite of these. When I detach myself from the negative fantasies of earthly ego-based humans, this includes my family. I detach from what is NOT real. I detach from what is fear, worry, guilt, pain, and disillusion. I embrace what is a real in you and in all human beings.

Dear mother, I embrace you in pure love and compassion. I embrace you as what you truly are – pure love and empathy. I know that this is not what you see often enough, but you know this to be true. The mother I’ve seen smiling as she contemplates a thought that is cheery. The mother that lovingly considers her two boys every day. The mother that bathed her two boys, loved her two boys, fed her two boys, and protected her two boys. The mother that taught her boys of right and wrong, and wrestled with every advancement of our young and adult lives. Yes – I fully and finally embrace with you with pride.

No mother, I detach from your fear and your fantasy of fear. I embrace what is truly real in you. So when you speak of your torment, and the past that emotionally crippled you so much that you could spend the majority of a month in gloom, I must detach with love. I see through these fantasies of gloom and fear, only seeing the TRUTH of you. The bright and clear truth of your actions and your dreams. I see the pure essence of your God connection and refuse to see you as a victim any longer. I refuse to see myself as a victim, and my brother as one too.

I fully except MY RESPONSIBILITY to see the truth if life and light. I FULLY EXCEPT my responsibility to detach from fearful fantasies, and embrace glorious reality. No longer will I let my egoic mind completely overtake an entire day or week. As a matter of fact, I will not allow my egoic mind to ruin even 10 minutes of my day if possible. Oh – I’m very aware of the human egoic mind now, and I put my own on notice. The real boss is my God essence – my third eye, so to speak.

So worry not my dear mother, I love you for what you really are. I see you for what you really are, even if you cannot at times. I except you for exactly what you really are, and do not see your egoic mind as you – the same as I do not see my egoic mind as me.

So fear not my dear mother, the chain has been broken. The full light of awareness and consciousness has made everything crystal clear. The egoic chains of destruction have been broken, shattered, and destroyed forever and ever – amen. The only thing left on the horizon, is light. In this light I see you for the beautiful human being you are today and all days. I see only what is real, and not what is false in you.

You see dear Mother – the chains were never really there. They were a mirage – a ghost – an fantasy – a dark nightmare. They were never there. They existed completely in our frightened minds, and the frightened minds of our handlers.

I will no longer support these chains with my flesh and bone. I will endeavor to destroy any imaginary chains before our flesh perishes from this earth.