I’ve been telling myself and those around me for years now, that trying to be perfect at everything is a ridiculous and unachievable goal – a goal that can find you depressed and anxious, and even out of control. Now there is a study on this very subject to refer to. Please read this article on the effects of perfectionism – on yourself and the friends and family you affect every day. There is nothing wrong with putting in a GREAT effort, but you cannot afford to get hung up in the results – in the outcome of the effort.

Whatever you are working hard at achieving, remember to enjoy the effort in the moment and don’t get caught up in the outcome from the effort. Don’t worry about what people think of you, and don’t get hung up on your status and station in life. Enjoy each and every second being aware of what your ego (mind) is doing in the dance.

Remember that you are NEVER going to be perfect, and the outcomes from your hard work are NEVER going to be perfect. They can be “pretty darn good”, and likely pretty darn AMAZING in the long run, so you can enjoy the dance of life your playful time working with form – that’s all good. Just give up on ever being perfect at anything. In the words of Stewie Griffin,

“Let it goooooo Louis!”

Dear Jacob and Emma,I don’t really know what I’m doing writing this email. I wrote a very long comment on the article Managing and Diagnosing Extreme Anxiety Disorders, and then was too chicken to post it. I think I just need to reach out to someone who ‘gets’ it, you know?

Anyway. So, about a year ago, a bunch of really crap stuff happened in quick succession – a bunch of stuff I had no control over. I don’t want to go into detail about it, really, but the worst of the things that happened was my husband (who has Crohns disease) had a serious attack which almost killed him, and ended up having to have emergency surgery for that. That was probably the worst and scariest month I’ve ever had to live through.

It seemed like everything – big and small – went wrong. Everything. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I tried my best to be the strong, together one who dealt with everything, so my husband wouldn’t have anything to worry about but getting better. I managed it, for the most apart. Until he started to fully recover, and then I had a month-long panic attack which just didn’t let up. I couldn’t eat, I barely slept. I threw up everything I tried to eat, and when it got really bad, everything I tried to drink, too.

I felt constantly nauseous and terrified, all the time, and couldn’t figure out why. I felt like I was waiting, in terror, for the next awful, horrible thing to go wrong. I went to doctors, who ran every test under the sun, and couldn’t find anything wrong with me. One of them even told me he thought it was psychological, but they all just sent me home without help.

After a month of this it got so bad I couldn’t move off the floor. I just lay there, crying, so scared I couldn’t even look up. So I called an ambulance and begged them to help. Got taken to a psych ward, where I stayed for a week. (Honestly, that was a relief; it felt safe there. For the first time in months, I felt safe.)

Since then, life has had its ups and downs. I’m doing everything right: trying to challenge my fears, taking all my medication, going to therapy… okay, I lied a bit about the last one. I haven’t been to therapy in a few months now. But I missed an appointment and am embarrassed to call her back because it’s been so long now. Plus, we can’t afford it. It’s been almost a year since this started, and I’m supposed to be getting better, I think… but I’m not better. I still don’t feel like me. My agoraphobia has flared up again and some days I can’t leave the house at all. Some days I can, as long as someone else drives. Some days (rarely) I can drive. Never on my own, though. I’m sometimes having trouble eating, but refusing to obsess about it because I’m too scared to end up throwing up all the time again. (Because that REALLY sucked, and if I go back there again I’ll end up on the psych ward again and back to square one.) I just feel like I’m not ever going to be normal again, you know? I can’t work, and the thought of doing perfectly routine things scares me, so I end up sitting at home doing nothing, trying to distract myself from life and all the scary things in it, and wishing I was ‘me’ again.

What if I’m never ‘me’ again? What if I have to fight to be happy and healthy for the rest of my life? I don’t think I can bear that thought. I’ve been having thoughts of suicide… not serious thoughts. Those horrible intrusive thoughts you get when the anxiety gets really bad, and everything is terrifying and everything you think of sends a fresh wave of panic through you, and you sit there thinking, “Jeez, I can’t do this. I can’t see any way out. I want to bang my head against a wall until I knock myself unconscious, just to stop these racing thoughts.” And then you think, “Why bother? I mean, it all ends up the same way anyway; we all die eventually. Why must I fight and suffer so much in the meantime? Let’s cut to the chase…” They’re horrible thoughts, and I’m not serious about them. I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to die. But I feel so trapped. I want to be alive again! It’s been so long since I’ve felt alive, and like myself.

I want to be better so badly, because I can’t live like this. I guess my question is this… will there come a time when I can look back on all of this and not remember what it was like? Will I ever be fully ‘me’ again, that fearless person who thought nothing of hopping on trans-atlantic flights, alone…? Will I be happy and hardly even think of anxiety at all, ever again? Or am I going to be fighting every day with this, for the rest of my life?

Where do I start putting my life back together – is there a place to begin, a path to take to being me and happy again? How do I do it?

Please help. I’m typing this at 1am because I can’t sleep, I’ve been terrified and crying all day. I hope I’m just hormonal or something (always seems to get worse at certain times of the month)… but part of me is so tired of fighting to get better. It’s like swimming upstream; you swim and swim and swim, as hard as you can, and then you look to the bank and see you haven’t moved at all. You’re just treading water, just fighting not to get dragged even further back. I guess it’s because it’s been so long since the initial attack that I’m feeling despondent and helpless. I had so much confidence in me, and that I could get better, half a year ago. But it’s been so long, it’s totally sapped my belief in myself.

I don’t know where to turn any more.

Thank you for listening. I’m sorry that you’ve got a long and rambling email from a stranger. I hope you don’t mind too much.

All the best,

Jenny

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Our Reply

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Hi Jenny,Sorry to hear you are stuck in the painful stages of extreme anxiety. Everything you have described is classic, and unfortunately VERY common in this new world of ours. All of the stressors that hit you have overwhelmed you, and the ONLY way leave behind the suffering is to learn the art of acceptance. I know that is a cliche and not something you want to hear, but in the end all of us humans have to learn to be like water – let go, let God, and move with the stream down the mountain side and avoid getting hung up when BIG changes come. Negative change is very hard to deal with, but you can (and will) succeed in re-adjusting your outlook.

The good news is; all of this anxiety and suffering is not REALLY you. You are going to have to disconnect from your mind to finally get back on track.

Ask yourself this right now;

Close your eyes, and slowly ask yourself this question;

“At this very second of time – at this very moment, is there REALLY any problems.”

The answer is most likely no.

This is called becoming present in the moment, and understanding what is real and what is false. Frightening thoughts about the future, and negative thoughts about yourself (or anyone else) in the past is completely false. The past is gone and not real – the future is not real either. You must learn to understand that the ONLY THING REAL is this very moment of time.

Your mind, and it’s endless negative thoughts, are false and NOT real, so begin learning to disregard all your frightening thoughts, and only embrace good thoughts. Good thoughts are REAL and bad thoughts are FALSE. Ever religion know to man points to this. Don’t take your thoughts and mind activity seriously, because right now it’s just obsessive ego thinking that is scaring you. Imagine grabbing a big lever and pulling down to shut off your brain and constant thinking. The sooner you slow down your thinking, the sooner you will begin to feel better again – your true self.

Repeat this to yourself this when you are alone.

“What am I going to think of next?”

Then wait. When the next negative thought comes, say this to yourself;

“That’s just my mind and it’s not reality – it’s fantasy. The reality is that everything is going to be fine.”

Then start again;

“What am I going to think of next?”

At some point you can ask yourself the same question and there will be no thoughts – THAT is when you will feel a great sense of relief. Thinking is NOT required most of the time in our lives. We need to need turn off our thinking AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

You are going to be OK Liz. I repeat. You ARE NOT losing your mind, and you are not going to hurt yourself or any one else. You are a loving and caring human being who was born beautiful and perfect. You are a very beautiful person and your mind (charged by ego) has hi-jacked your REAL self. Your real self is always with you in your body too. Listen to your breathing and pay attention to the sensations in your body because that is a true connection to the universal energy of intention, and perfection.

You will get through this, and you will be a much WISER human being with a great deal of compassion for others.

Love Jacob and Emma

It’s rare that any of us human beings ever stop our “constant thinking”. This is the problem of ALL our human ailments, dysfunction, and suffering. There are some humans that truly experience enlightenment, as the Buddha defined it, and they experience “the end of suffering”.

When my own personal anxiety was out of control, or when I’ve been miserable, I was “suffering”. I was suffering because my constant thinking and ego-based self was extremely busy making up stories and fantasies that played in my mind like a lousy movie.

I am still using a small dose of Paxil (10mg daily) and I have been quite stress free lately – as in the last 6 months, and I know why. Because I have been listening and reading material that is breaking apart and destroying my old mind patterns, fantasies, and stories. For those who end up using medication to balance their life, they should start reading as much as possible. There is so much to learn about how your mind works and why you ended up being overly stressed, depressed, or anxious. There is only ONE reason we suffer as humans – our minds and egos.

We live in a human society that is completely wrapped up in the “mind”. We as humans need to learn how our minds and our egos work, if we ever hope to find peace and see the end of suffering on a global level (and a personal level).

Your Mind Can’t Be Trusted

Your mind is simply a tool that you can use to function as a human being. It can help make decisions, add and subtract, read and write, take a bath, take clothes on and off, speak to one another, etc. – but it can’t be trusted for much more than the every day functions.

Your mind is a great collector of junk. It collects junk in the form of memories of the past (good or bad perceptions – it does not matter). If you have a bad memory then you replay what happened (usually what you THINK happened) over and over and over. This keeps you suffering.

If you have a “good” memory, you end up longing for a moment when you can feel that way again, regardless that the good memory was just a perception you had at the time, and likely had nothing to do with your situation or location at the time. This can leave people living in the past, or looking to a future time when they can MAYBE feel good again.

Your mind hates the NOW. It wants to live in the future and in the past. It fears living in the present moment, and will use ever trick it has to keep you from relaxing this very second. This is the only reason some people meditate – so they can get in touch with the present moment and rejoice in it. It gives their human mind a small (very small) break from it’s constant fantasies, and inaccurate stories.

If you truly want to start turning around your life experience on this earth, you need to stop listening to your mind’s old news reels and your ego’s stories. Your mind cannot be trusted. One of the most important aspects while meditating is the practice of letting ALL thoughts of the mind float by and not stop and take hold of your current moment. Our minds want to grab a thought, a story, an idea, and hold on to it. So-called GOOD or so-called bad – it does not matter to the mind. It wants to hold on to an old story or move on to a new story. Try to picture your thoughts as clouds in a blue sky moving quickly by. Don’t let any of them nestle in for the day or even for the minute. Let them float by as a natural process that does not have much bearing on anything at all. Don’t take your thinking very seriously.

Your Ego and Your Mind

Your mind has a close friend that it runs off and gets in trouble with every day. Even the so-called gurus of the new-age movement let their minds and egos run away with them on a daily basis. If any human being claims they live in a state of pure enlightenment all the time and every day – they’re obviously not. It is not possible for a human in the flesh to truly be in an enlightened state at ALL times. There are some rare people that are USUALLY in an enlightened state. Jesus the Christ and the Buddha were good examples of these kinds of enlightened human beings.

Most all human beings have an active mind that is hanging out with it’s buddy the ego. The mind has all it’s constant activity adding and subtracting what it perceives to be good and what it perceives to bad, and the ego looks for ways to set itself apart from every other human, and every other living being on the planet. The ego spends it’s time finding enemies, and it REALLY likes to judge.

Yes. The ego sees itself as the almighty powerful judge wearing long black robes and holding the gavel in judgment of every person, every experience, and every “happening” it comes across. The ego is a fantasy character created by the human mind.

Whenever you feel you need to defend yourself, judge someone, prove yourself, set someone straight, have more than the next person, etc., etc, that is your ego at work with it’s buddy “the mind”.

The End of Suffering Comes With Awareness

At first, you may “think” that there is no way you can stop thinking the way you do, and there is no way you can live an enlightened existence as your flesh incarnation during your visit on earth as a human being. I am happy to report that you CAN be conscious and enlightened. It’s VERY simple. Be AWARE.

Try this simple exercise. Ask yourself this question right now,

“I wonder what my mind is going to think about next?”

Then simply be aware of what you are thinking and wait for it. Be aware of every thought that comes through your mind. Don’t judge these thoughts as good or bad – just see them. When you see the thoughts coming through your mind let them simply float by like a cloud in a windy sky. At first this will feel strange because your mind, and it’s friend the ego, will want to stop those moving clouds, bring them down, and sit on them for awhile. The mind and the ego love suffering. They love the drama.

As you keep asking yourself, “What is my mind going to think of next”, you may find that you feel a great sense of peace. You may find that you feel a brief moment of peace – this is your mind stopping some of it’s noise for a brief moment. When you learn to shut down your mind and ego these pauses of peace will get longer. Eventually you have an underlying peace dominating your life, even when there is some stressful happenings going on in your day.

When you start to become aware of your mind and ego prancing around like the children they are, you will notice how stubborn they are. They’re usually feeling guilty about something, resisting something, avoiding something, looking for something. This doesn’t mean you need to punish your ego and mind. They just need your guidance. Let them run around the playground once and awhile and don’t punish them for running a muck with the other children (other egos and minds), because when you blame yourself or think badly of yourself it’s just more mind and ego. The real you loves you and loves everything and everyone – the real you is pure consciousness.

I will have to move along for today, but what I’m getting at is simple. When you become aware of your thoughts (your mind) and your ego, you will start to feel much better. If you can ever learn to completely get rid of your ego then your mind will only be used as a tool. You don’t have to accomplish that to be a very happy and relaxed human being. Just a little bit of awareness will take you there. However, once you have tasted this kind of peace, you will want to learn more. You will slowly being unraveling your anxiety.

More on this later….

Have a relaxing day, and don’t worry. Life IS good, and there nothing to worry about.

In the wilderness, in a field, in a lake, in a river, on a mountain top, holding a pup, holding a baby, holding a kitten. What is better than that? (I guess you could be holding a baby that is holding a pup, that is holding a kitten, while you step out of the forest into a canoe to take down a river, that runs to a prairie, which runs into a lake).

When you find yourself in panics and/or stress it’s important to get away from the city and back into the bosom of nature.

You may be saying, “Aw, not this crap again – is this guy some kind of burnt out hippie …… ewwwwhhh…. hippies”

But think about it for a minute. Has a forest or field ever caused you stress? When you see a lake, a river, or an ocean does it stress you out? Ever looked at a bouquet of flowers and felt a tightness in your chest or abdomen? Not likely.

Stress is born in the minds of developing humans as they are taught what their parents were taught by their parents who took marching orders from their parents. Stress is passed down the gene pool. Without question someone and something in your life taught you that worrying and stressing is the way to live your life.

They taught you this everyday of your life and they did it by example and they did is unconsciously. Even if you rebelled against their negativity and constant worrying, you drank the Koolaid my friend. You have to distance yourself from your negative teachers and embrace positive teachers. Even if they’ve been dead for over 5000 years.

This doesn’t mean making negative people as enemies. Quite the opposite. You need to send all people a silent blessing of love and compassion. This is key. In this universe you think negatively of others it all comes back to poison your own mind, and tarnish your natural connection with love and universal energy.

This is why we’re seeing meditation practices that focus on thinking thoughts of compassion for others. When we exude and think of all others with love, you will naturally recognize the love others are sending to you. This is when you are truly in sync with universal energy, AKA love, AKA God. In this state you cannot be in a state of fear and anxiety.

Some anxiety sufferers will call this bunk. Doctors will tell you that your depression, agoraphobia, or panic attacks are from having a chemical imbalance and they will prescribe medication. This may be a quick way find some relief from your anxiety disorder, and it may be what gives you the chance to study some of the ideas I’ve mentioned here. If so, fine, nut if you truly change the way you look at your life, your life will change. It’s your choice which way you want your emotional compass to swing.

Many anxiety suffers still blame the anti-depressants for stress they’re having 3 years after the medication is long gone out of their system. What the sufferer needs to do is stay on their medication until they learn to stop taking their brain drivel so seriously, and just start being. Just be. be quiet and just be. Once the sufferer has learned enough about how to keep their fear in balance, only then they should ween off their anti-depressants.

If you’ve never started and SSRI or anti-anxiety medication, try and make it though your temporary anxiety by changing the way you look at things.